Christmas

It's now officially too late to do your Christmas shopping early.

That's OK. Doing your Christmas shopping late counts too. Remember, it's not the thought behind the gift that counts; it's what you spend on it.

Oh, I imagine you Xmasologists out there are offended by such crass materialism. You say that Christmas should be all about the birth of Christ and we should walk around looking pious.

I say that's nonsense.

Historically, you could even argue that the ultra-religious Christmas is un-American. The Pilgrims certainly thought so.

I was born on Christmas Day as an only child, and destined to remain one.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, having no other outlet, inundated me with presents every Christmas -- toy cars to ride in, red wagons, pearl-handled cap pistols, games that used batteries -- an embarrassment of riches.

We lived in a working class neighborhood, one in which recently departed husbands and fathers were routinely eulogized with the phrase: "He was always a good provider."